When Parenting Pulls Us Into Relationships We Never Chose

There is a part of parenting that often takes people by surprise.

It is the way it reshapes our social world.

Before children, most of us spent time with people we naturally connected with. We chose friends, colleagues, groups and conversations that suited who we were. If someone drained us, unsettled us or brought out a version of ourselves we did not like, we could quietly step away.

Then parenting arrives.

And suddenly, choice feels much smaller.

Children make their own friends. They join activities that come with ready made groups of adults. They bring home invitations to parties where the social atmosphere can feel tense or confusing. The school gate, the WhatsApp chats, the sidelines of sports sessions. All of it comes with its own set of personalities, unspoken rules and emotional currents.

And many parents find that these are not relationships they would have chosen for themselves.

The quiet discomfort no one talks about

Parents can feel stuck in conversations that leave them uneasy.

They can feel pulled into group dynamics that remind them of old patterns from school or earlier life.

They can feel pressure to get along, fit in or keep the peace because they believe it protects their child.

It is common to hear parents say things such as:

I would never spend time with these people if it were just me.

I feel like I have to be someone else at the school gate.

I do not feel comfortable but I do not want that to affect my child.

This tension can be surprisingly tiring. Even when nothing dramatic happens, the small moments of discomfort build up. Trying to be polite, agreeable or unfazed becomes a kind of emotional labour, and it leaves many parents feeling drained without quite knowing why.

What is going on beneath the surface

From a psychological perspective, something meaningful is happening here.

When we enter these new parent related circles, old relational patterns can return. It might be a familiar feeling of being on the outside. A sense of needing to prove yourself. A worry about being judged. A drive to stay small and avoid conflict. These reactions were formed long before parenting began, and situations with other parents can bring them back into focus.

There is also the internal pressure to be a good parent. Many adults believe, often quietly, that a good parent keeps everything smooth. That they stay connected. That they do not upset the group. This can lead to pushing aside our own needs and boundaries in order to keep the atmosphere calm for the child.

And beneath all of this sits a split inside many parents; the part that wants to protect the child’s place socially and the part that longs for genuine choice and more comfortable relationships. These two parts do not always agree.

Why this matters for parent wellbeing

When adults ignore their discomfort in these situations, several things can happen. They begin to overextend themselves. They doubt their instincts. They feel resentment that they do not know how to name. Or they lose a sense of who they were before parenting placed them into these social settings.

This is not because they are failing. It is because they are being asked to hold emotional tensions that are rarely spoken about.

How therapy can help

When parents bring this into therapy, the relief can be significant because they can finally talk about it openly. From there, the work tends to involve a few steps.

First, naming exactly what feels uncomfortable.

Second, understanding what part of the self feels threatened or overwhelmed.

Third, reconnecting with the adult identity that still deserves space and choice.

And finally, finding gentle boundaries that protect the parent without disrupting the child’s world.

Therapy also helps uncover why certain people or situations feel particularly activating. Often there are echoes from earlier experiences that colour the present moment. This deeper understanding gives parents more freedom in how they respond.

A helpful shift in perspective

Instead of thinking “I have to stay in these relationships for my child”, it can be more honest to recognise that “These relationships belong to my child’s world, but I am still allowed to protect mine.”

Parenthood changes our social landscape. But it does not ask us to give up our sense of self in the process. With awareness and support, parents can stay connected where they need to, while staying grounded in who they are.

Hannah Downing | Psychodynamic Psychotherapist

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