The Quiet Rules We Live By

There are rules we follow without realising we agreed to them.

Be kind. Do not make a fuss. Stay strong. Stay polite. Keep moving.

Most of these rules are old, so old we no longer remember where they came from. Yet they shape the way we show up in the world every day.

We notice them in small moments.

When we say yes, even though something inside us leans towards no.

When we swallow a feeling because we do not want to appear difficult.

When we tell ourselves that exhaustion is normal or that wanting more is unreasonable.

These rules stay quiet. They slip beneath our awareness and become part of the rhythm of our days. They can make us reliable, capable, steady. But they can also keep us from expressing what we actually need. Some rules protect us. Others restrict us. Most do a bit of both.

It is only when life presses against them that we sense their weight.

A relationship begins to feel one sided.

A request at work lands with a heaviness we cannot ignore.

A familiar situation suddenly feels sharper than usual.

Something inside us notices. Something wonders whether these old ways of coping still fit.This is often the beginning of change, long before we consciously choose it.

The work is not about breaking all the rules.

It is about seeing them clearly.

Asking where they came from.

Asking whether they still serve us.

Asking what it might feel like to loosen one of them, even slightly.

There is a quiet kind of freedom in that.A way of returning to yourself after years of living by expectations that were never fully yours.

And for many people, this is where therapy becomes helpful. Not because someone else hands you a new set of rules, but because you are given the space to notice the ones you live by now. Space to question them. Space to understand the parts of you that created them in the first place.

You do not have to change everything at once.Sometimes the first step is simply recognising that the rules are there.And that you are allowed to choose which ones you keep.

Hannah Downing | Psychodynamic Psychotherapist

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